Tuesday, September 9, 2008
What I Really Need.
What I really need is a fried bologna sandwich with extra miracle whip and a big bag of munchos. That is all.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Things Not to do Drunk
Things Not to do While Drunk
*I admit to nothing
1. go to Wal-Mart
2. try to pick a fight with a 10 yr old boy in Wal-mart
3. attempt to climb inside the counter where they keep the clippers (why are they under lock and key anyway? are there people running willy nilly in wal-mart shaving heads?)
4. try to self-checkout
5. try to make change
6. try to outrun the old fart who wants to see your receipt
7. try to text in multisyllabic words
8. attempt to "hold it in"-- it needs to come out, and not in the car!
9. feed 80 pound dogs from hell
10. kick ass at trivia! (Number one in the nation baby!)
*I admit to nothing
1. go to Wal-Mart
2. try to pick a fight with a 10 yr old boy in Wal-mart
3. attempt to climb inside the counter where they keep the clippers (why are they under lock and key anyway? are there people running willy nilly in wal-mart shaving heads?)
4. try to self-checkout
5. try to make change
6. try to outrun the old fart who wants to see your receipt
7. try to text in multisyllabic words
8. attempt to "hold it in"-- it needs to come out, and not in the car!
9. feed 80 pound dogs from hell
10. kick ass at trivia! (Number one in the nation baby!)
Thursday, July 17, 2008
You're no Jay and Grant
Everyone knows that summer tv sucks. Latest case in point: Ghosthunters International. What a disappointment. It's like Scooby Doo and the gang loaded up in the Mystery Machine and took off for parts unknown.
I love to be scared. I'm thrilled by the thought of life existing after our bodies expire, not in a creepy way, but in a scientific way. I love me some Ghosthunters. Jay and Grant rock, they go out and try to prove to everyone what sissies they are when they hear their floors creaking and swear it's the child murdered by Civil War era soldiers with a bazooka.
The international people suck! They are being led by some guy, whose name escapes me, that looks like a serial killer that you'd see hanging out a truckstop, only better groomed. (I used to live next door to a guy who looks just like him except with hippie hair, trust me I know these things). His bug eyes are surely what enable him to see ghosts EVERY DAMN PLACE THEY'VE BEEN TO!
His trusty sidekick Andy the Uber Midget is no better. Lest you think I detest Andy merely by virtue of the fact that he's horizontally challenged, fret not. Andy is the smarmy, smirking IT guy who shows up to work gleefully smug when you ask for help.
Brian, along with Andy was on the original show. I think he was tossed because he's such a screwup. He's about as useful as the two chicks they have on the show. Chicks with yankee accents, blech. I can't help it, I just see Mike Meyers doing his "Cawfee Tawk" impression and I can't take them seriously. "Are youse upset that weah heah?" Even if German ghosts could understand English, I doubt very much they would understand them.
The show's only saving grace is Patty O'Blarneystone. He's so full of shit. I don't think he takes the ghost thing too seriously. He's always the first one to see something and convince the rest of them that in fact did too. He's encountered snarling dogs, demons and any manner of other European thing that the Americans have never heard of. He's an interesting study of the power of suggestion.
O Jay and Grant! How I long to see you yet again. Jay with your smartassed comments that melt my heart and Grant your calm, collectedness that eludes me.
S
I love to be scared. I'm thrilled by the thought of life existing after our bodies expire, not in a creepy way, but in a scientific way. I love me some Ghosthunters. Jay and Grant rock, they go out and try to prove to everyone what sissies they are when they hear their floors creaking and swear it's the child murdered by Civil War era soldiers with a bazooka.
The international people suck! They are being led by some guy, whose name escapes me, that looks like a serial killer that you'd see hanging out a truckstop, only better groomed. (I used to live next door to a guy who looks just like him except with hippie hair, trust me I know these things). His bug eyes are surely what enable him to see ghosts EVERY DAMN PLACE THEY'VE BEEN TO!
His trusty sidekick Andy the Uber Midget is no better. Lest you think I detest Andy merely by virtue of the fact that he's horizontally challenged, fret not. Andy is the smarmy, smirking IT guy who shows up to work gleefully smug when you ask for help.
Brian, along with Andy was on the original show. I think he was tossed because he's such a screwup. He's about as useful as the two chicks they have on the show. Chicks with yankee accents, blech. I can't help it, I just see Mike Meyers doing his "Cawfee Tawk" impression and I can't take them seriously. "Are youse upset that weah heah?" Even if German ghosts could understand English, I doubt very much they would understand them.
The show's only saving grace is Patty O'Blarneystone. He's so full of shit. I don't think he takes the ghost thing too seriously. He's always the first one to see something and convince the rest of them that in fact did too. He's encountered snarling dogs, demons and any manner of other European thing that the Americans have never heard of. He's an interesting study of the power of suggestion.
O Jay and Grant! How I long to see you yet again. Jay with your smartassed comments that melt my heart and Grant your calm, collectedness that eludes me.
S
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Random Thoughts
1. Telling me you've decided to get over your ex by giving me a go isn't romantic, and will probably get you hit, not laid.
2. If you don't know what movie you want to watch step out of the damn line and let someone who knows what they want to see actually make it to their movie on time, asswad.
3. A/C guy gave me the mouth herpes. (I knew there was a reason I wouldn't let him do anything else)
4. School starts back in 34 days...ah, shit.
5. Wondering at what temperature brains actually fry and if I would induce brain damage by making the boy sleep in a 97 degree house.
6. I'd be a lot better off financially if I could just sit my ass at home.
7. Everyone heads off to church camp on Friday, I see a naked weekend in my future.
2. If you don't know what movie you want to watch step out of the damn line and let someone who knows what they want to see actually make it to their movie on time, asswad.
3. A/C guy gave me the mouth herpes. (I knew there was a reason I wouldn't let him do anything else)
4. School starts back in 34 days...ah, shit.
5. Wondering at what temperature brains actually fry and if I would induce brain damage by making the boy sleep in a 97 degree house.
6. I'd be a lot better off financially if I could just sit my ass at home.
7. Everyone heads off to church camp on Friday, I see a naked weekend in my future.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Confused
So granted, it's been a while since I've done the whole dating thing, but I am just confused.
I thought Friday night went well, but I got nothing. He was polite, laughed at my jokes (though I don't think he got all of them), even teased me about the Bet Hedger. Hell he spent half the night trying to molest me in his truck, what gives?
Maybe he was disgusted that I was so awkward. Maybe he was pissed that I wouldn't fool around more. Maybe he was upset that I didn't ask him in (it was 2 a.m. and he had an hour drive to his house).
Man I suck at this.
It's not like I'm devastated because I thought we'd be perfect for one another. He's old (42), has teenage kids,a crazy ex-wife, and isn't tall enough to breed with.
I just want a little insight. What am I doing wrong?
S
I thought Friday night went well, but I got nothing. He was polite, laughed at my jokes (though I don't think he got all of them), even teased me about the Bet Hedger. Hell he spent half the night trying to molest me in his truck, what gives?
Maybe he was disgusted that I was so awkward. Maybe he was pissed that I wouldn't fool around more. Maybe he was upset that I didn't ask him in (it was 2 a.m. and he had an hour drive to his house).
Man I suck at this.
It's not like I'm devastated because I thought we'd be perfect for one another. He's old (42), has teenage kids,a crazy ex-wife, and isn't tall enough to breed with.
I just want a little insight. What am I doing wrong?
S
Friday, July 11, 2008
I'm an Idiot
Well it looks as though my big mouth has gotten me into trouble once again. I've never been one for deception, I'm always brutally honest. It's a flaw. So this whole dating thing is leaving me at a loss, cause I'm coming up on a situation that I don't like. My big dumb self has been super excited to share my "blog writing" with the lot of them, and now they check to see if I've written about them.
Damn. How can I write about them if they're reading it? The real problem is, if I'm completely honest, (and I can be because no one knows I write here) is I don't want them to know about each other.
I never thought being so devious could be so fun. I've got 8 years to make up for dangit. Eight years of never going out, sitting at home with my grandmother while she withered away with the disease that slowly robber her of her mind and robbed me of my sanity. It's proving to be tiring. Men are tedious creatures. They either want to paw all over ya, or they want to bitch about how their exes treated them and size you up to see what they think you'll do.
I guess I can't really complain. It IS a lot more fun that sitting at home. I have nothing but time right now. I've seen more free movies in the last few months than ever, and what not.
Why do men lie about their height? I'm gonna be able to tell. I'm 5'11", so if you tell me you're 6'2" and you're shorter than me, I'm gonna know something's up. What are they being measure in Loompaland? I realize I'm blonde and all, and I can be gullible, but I shouldn't be able to view your bald spot if you're half a head taller than me.
So tonight it's A/C guy. A/C guy seems nice enough. He's offered to work on my unit since my A/C is broken.
Now I just need to meet a lawn guy and a plumber guy and I'll be all set.
S
Damn. How can I write about them if they're reading it? The real problem is, if I'm completely honest, (and I can be because no one knows I write here) is I don't want them to know about each other.
I never thought being so devious could be so fun. I've got 8 years to make up for dangit. Eight years of never going out, sitting at home with my grandmother while she withered away with the disease that slowly robber her of her mind and robbed me of my sanity. It's proving to be tiring. Men are tedious creatures. They either want to paw all over ya, or they want to bitch about how their exes treated them and size you up to see what they think you'll do.
I guess I can't really complain. It IS a lot more fun that sitting at home. I have nothing but time right now. I've seen more free movies in the last few months than ever, and what not.
Why do men lie about their height? I'm gonna be able to tell. I'm 5'11", so if you tell me you're 6'2" and you're shorter than me, I'm gonna know something's up. What are they being measure in Loompaland? I realize I'm blonde and all, and I can be gullible, but I shouldn't be able to view your bald spot if you're half a head taller than me.
So tonight it's A/C guy. A/C guy seems nice enough. He's offered to work on my unit since my A/C is broken.
Now I just need to meet a lawn guy and a plumber guy and I'll be all set.
S
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Don't Let Me Near Your Bathroom!
ok so Friday night James and Sandi thought it would be fun to go get me inebriated. James heard I had so much fun at a piano bar down in Austin, he decided he wanted to try one too. My brother is loud and obnoxious sober. so magnify that by 12 when he drinks. My only recourse was to drink even more than him so I would no longer care that he was calling people behind us old geezers, and the college guys homosexuals. (i'm cleaning it WAY up here). flash forward 4 hours when i make my first trip to the bathroom.
when i imbibe, i talk to people, and inanimate objects, thus when i reached the bathroom and sat down on the toilet i began a conversation with it. "whoa it's loud in here huh?"
t: ....
s: man i really have to pee, can you believe they let me come in here by myself?
t: ....
S: i don't think you can tell you've had too much to drink til you get up and start walking around huh?
T: ma'am are you alright in there?
s: what the ...hello?
(this is when i noticed it wasnt the toilet talking back to me, but rather the bathroom attendant)
Bathroom attendant? am i in the men's bathroom?
About that time the toilet seat had had enough. it jerked me across the seat and i (sneakily tried to get out of the bathroom without this intrusive woman noticing i've destroyed her livelihood)
flash forward an hour later.
A: ah your back! are you having a good time ma'am?
S: sure.
A: great, you can go to stall 5 ma'am.
S: (noting stall 5 is the handicapped stall, what is she saying?) thanks
A: be careful, the seat is kinda broken.
How long does it take you to process information? As I sat back down I flew off the side of the toilet like one of those navy fighter planes being flung off an aircraft carrier. how hard is it to pee as you fall to your doom? somehow i managed NOT to wet myself and tried to look composed as i was heading back into the bar.
When my brother had had enough of the a$$h*les that had sat around him and ruined his night, we left. Whoever's great idea it was to put a bar upstairs was a massochist. After we manuevered the stairs and it was a feat, my brother decided we needed to go eat. By the time we drove back from Addison I needed to pee again.
Thankfully the toilets at Denny's are more forgiving, however the tissue dispensers are a real pain in the rear. I believe i argued with the thing about why i couldnt rip off the paper one handed, I was gone so long they sent someone in to come and get me. My sweet little sister straightened my hair for me and I noticed it was all jacked up. I tried to fix it, with wet hands. I wound up looking like a drowned rat.
hey so when are going out again? i wont be surprised if they try to leave me at home next time.
S
when i imbibe, i talk to people, and inanimate objects, thus when i reached the bathroom and sat down on the toilet i began a conversation with it. "whoa it's loud in here huh?"
t: ....
s: man i really have to pee, can you believe they let me come in here by myself?
t: ....
S: i don't think you can tell you've had too much to drink til you get up and start walking around huh?
T: ma'am are you alright in there?
s: what the ...hello?
(this is when i noticed it wasnt the toilet talking back to me, but rather the bathroom attendant)
Bathroom attendant? am i in the men's bathroom?
About that time the toilet seat had had enough. it jerked me across the seat and i (sneakily tried to get out of the bathroom without this intrusive woman noticing i've destroyed her livelihood)
flash forward an hour later.
A: ah your back! are you having a good time ma'am?
S: sure.
A: great, you can go to stall 5 ma'am.
S: (noting stall 5 is the handicapped stall, what is she saying?) thanks
A: be careful, the seat is kinda broken.
How long does it take you to process information? As I sat back down I flew off the side of the toilet like one of those navy fighter planes being flung off an aircraft carrier. how hard is it to pee as you fall to your doom? somehow i managed NOT to wet myself and tried to look composed as i was heading back into the bar.
When my brother had had enough of the a$$h*les that had sat around him and ruined his night, we left. Whoever's great idea it was to put a bar upstairs was a massochist. After we manuevered the stairs and it was a feat, my brother decided we needed to go eat. By the time we drove back from Addison I needed to pee again.
Thankfully the toilets at Denny's are more forgiving, however the tissue dispensers are a real pain in the rear. I believe i argued with the thing about why i couldnt rip off the paper one handed, I was gone so long they sent someone in to come and get me. My sweet little sister straightened my hair for me and I noticed it was all jacked up. I tried to fix it, with wet hands. I wound up looking like a drowned rat.
hey so when are going out again? i wont be surprised if they try to leave me at home next time.
S
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